Must adult children obey their parents’ instructions after their parents’ death?

Answer

After a parent dies, adult children often face emotional challenges and questions about responsibilities, including whether they must follow instructions left by their deceased parents. From a strictly legal perspective, adult children are only bound to follow a parent’s instructions if those instructions are part of a formal legal document, such as a will or a trust. These documents are governed by state law and are enforceable in probate court. If a parent leaves informal instructions, such as verbal requests or handwritten notes that are not witnessed or notarized, these are generally not considered legally binding.

Beyond the legal perspective, Scripture places strong emphasis on children honoring their parents. One of the Ten Commandments states, “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the l and theLordyour God is giving you” (Exodus 20:12). Honoring mother and father, even into adulthood, is the only one of the Ten Commandments given with a promise attached. The purpose of this commandment is to establish the family as God’s primary social unit on earth. Respect for authority is a Christian duty, and children learn to respect authority from their earliest days by respecting, honoring, and obeying their parents.

While the Bible stresses respect and honor for parents, it does not explicitly state that adult children are bound to follow every instruction given by a parent. As a child grows older and matures, the relationship between him and his parents evolves. After leaving the home, the child should transition from strict obedience to a more autonomous decision-making process, guided by his or her own conscience and understanding of right and wrong.

Thus, the obligation to obey our parents is primarily in place while we are still living under their authority. However, the duty to honor them remains throughout life. As part of honoring them, the Bible instructs adult children to care for their aging parents (see 1 Timothy 5:4), which is further evidence of the shift in the relationship where adult children assume more responsibility.

For adult children, honoring and respecting their parents is not a matter of obeying them; instead, it involves making independent choices while still valuing their parents’ advice and counsel. We are not bound to obey our parents in everything, but we are obligated to acknowledge them as the parents who raised us to be adults. Ultimately, adult Christians are expected to take responsibility for their own lives and decisions.

While honoring and respecting one’s parents is a lifelong endeavor, adult children are not strictly bound to follow their parents’ instructions, particularly after that parent passes away. For example, a parent may make an unreasonable deathbed request, such as, “Promise me you will never marry that girl,” or “Don’t ever sell this house and land, but keep it in the family.” Parents may ask a child to avenge them, to disown someone, or to perform some other act that would violate the child’s conscience.

Many people tend to see deathbed instructions as more binding than other wishes. However, requests made and promises given in the emotionally charged and uncertain moments before death may not have been rationally thought out. Believers must carefully and prayerfully consider if following a parent’s last wish is feasible, practical, and biblical. Does the request conflict with the interests and well-being of the living? A decision must often be made based on whether honoring the parent’s request takes priority over the welfare and moral obligation of the living.

If a parent asks us to do something that seems right before God and makes sense to us spiritually and practically, then it may be respectful and honoring to obey him or her. However, if the request contradicts God’s Word and offends our conscience, then, as adult children, we are free to make our own choice.

An adult child may feel morally or ethically obligated to honor a parent’s wishes, even if not legally required to do so. Family traditions, shared values, and emotional ties may further motivate an adult child to carry out parental instructions. God-honoring requests to fulfill might include personal wishes for funeral arrangements, charitable donations, or care of surviving relatives. However, when instructions left by a parent conflict with the requirements of the law or with the rights of other heirs, the law takes precedence. For example, if a will contradicts state inheritance laws or omits a spouse who is legally entitled to a share of the estate, the court may override the instructions.

Similarly, if a parent’s wishes conflict with the laws of God, then a child should not feel obligated to follow the parent’s instructions. Ultimately, fulfilling a parent’s wishes after he or she passes away is a personal decision, guided by biblical, moral, legal, and familial considerations.