How should a Christian respond to unreciprocated romantic interest?

Answer

Pretty much everyone at one time or another has had romantic feelings for someone who doesn’t return those feelings. Some people nurse those emotions, causing unneeded pain and hindering their ability to move on.

Wanting to fall in love and get married is a biblical desire (Genesis 2:22–24), but a man’s thoughts, words, and actions in pursuit of a wife must be holy and pleasing to God (2 Corinthians 10:5; Philippians 4:8). Pursuing a woman in a holy way protects both individuals from unhealthy interactions and relationships.

The Bible includes stories of men pursuing women in an ungodly way. Men today should reflect on and learn from the examples of Shechem, who became fixated on Dinah (Genesis 34:1–31); Samson, who had an unhealthy infatuation with Delilah (Judges 16:4–21); and Amnon, whose selfish infatuation with Tamar led to violence (2 Samuel 13:1–33). These stories remind readers that acting on unholy desires leads to sin.

Men must refrain from impulses that lead them to pursue women in unhealthy or ungodly ways. A holy approach starts with discernment—the ability to make wise decisions. As a foundation for discernment, God has given believers the Holy Spirit, who indwells and guides them to make choices that please Him (John 14:26). God has also given believers Scripture, which they can read and study to learn from the good and bad examples it records (2 Timothy 3:16–17). God has equipped men with all they need to please and obey Him as they pray about and pursue a woman to marry.

The first step in breaking emotional fixation is to accept that a romantic possibility doesn’t exist. When a woman has expressed that she is not interested, a man must accept that. Misreading “signs” has led many men into unnecessary confusion and awkwardness.

One’s instinct might be to avoid the love interest, but doing that may actually increase the infatuation, as people tend to romanticize “the one that got away.” It’s good to remember that a Christian woman is a sister in Christ and should be treated that way (Romans 12:10). Encounters shouldn’t be forced—but neither should they be avoided. Relate to her as a friend. Once a man accepts that the relationship is not romantic, he must begin living with that reality. This means interacting with her naturally, without inserting himself into her social circles or continuing to pursue her as more than a friend. As opportunities arise to spend time together in social groups, it is important to treat her as a non-romantic acquaintance.

Another crucial aspect of breaking an unhealthy fixation is developing a missional mindset. Emotional overattachment often occurs when a man lacks a greater sense of purpose. Without a clear mission from God, his attention can easily center on a woman in an unholy way. Cultivating a missional mentality helps redirect his focus toward God rather than toward unchecked emotional attachment. Emotional maturity is an important part of growing from a boy into a man. As Paul writes, “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me” (1 Corinthians 13:11).

Before any man pursues a godly relationship with a woman, he should have a strong and growing faith in Jesus Christ. In Matthew 6:33, Jesus said, “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” God designed men to be attracted to women, but they must act on their feelings in holy ways that please Him.